R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Randomize
