guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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