I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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