there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
