she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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