If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize