Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
