So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
