youre lurking in front of me
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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