I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
