I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
