The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
