I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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