he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
