So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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