so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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