No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
