if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
