Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
