you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
