You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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