How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
