My hand turned me down
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the day after is always just damage control
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
