I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
