Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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