I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
