I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Naked. naked and bneed help.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
