No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
