someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
