Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
