And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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