her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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