I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
