I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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