got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
