I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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