take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
