People with herpes should wear stickers.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
