too bad you live with your parents still
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
