I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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