I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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