I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
