I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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