woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
