Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
