I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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