Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
