you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
cat food counts as protein by the way
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
