Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
