apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
