He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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