The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
