I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just had sex bonerless
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
