At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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