Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
