I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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