Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I touched a dick in church today
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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