I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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