im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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