the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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