An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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