Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
