dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
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