Duck Duck Cougar?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize