I wanna passion pit in your ass
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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